


To Be?

by Fangirlishing



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: ;), Angst, Gay, M/M, Male/Male, One Shot, Sad, Vikuuri, WHY CANT THEY JUST KISS AND MAKE UP, Yuri on Ice - Freeform, everyone is sad, everything is sad, have fun crying ily, male x male, this is sad af, vicuuri, yuri!!! on ice - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:36:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlishing/pseuds/Fangirlishing
Summary: “Yuuri, I know you. What’s really the matter?”“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be with you!”___________________________A break up causing two separate breakdowns but both just wanting the other to be happy.Viktor and Yuuri are convinced they know what the other wants but neither know the true struggle the other is facing. They're both haunted by the memories of their past relationship. Neither can bear the torture of being separated.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So here we go! My second Vikuuri one shot! I really enjoyed writing my first one and I wanted to write something much sadder, so I came up with this! I really hope you all enjoy it. (ALSO CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH EPISODE 8 FUCKED US ALL)

Yuuri remembered the flashes, he saw them as he fell asleep. He remembered the sound of it all, like a mash of gibberish and screaming. He remembered how bright it all seemed to be. He remembered how tightly Viktor held him, how close Viktor held and protected Yuuri. Yuuri sat up in his bed, his clock reading 02:15am. He rarely got sleep nowadays. He was haunted by the memories of what Viktor and himself used to be. The cameras, the questions; it was all too much. Yuuri brought his knees up to his chest and tried to control his breathing as he remembered it all. He held his head back with his palms pressed against his forehead, holding open his eyes. He pushed on his skull hard unknowingly, he couldn’t feel it. Ever since he’d lost that side of Viktor he felt numb. Nothing felt right. He could feel nothing. He let the streams of tears fall from his eyes. He became a blubbering mess of a human in seconds. He whimpered, clutching his hair in his fists as a thought continued to roam around his mind.

_He had lost the only man he had ever loved, and there was no going back._

Yuuri breathed unsteadily, slowly coming to terms with what his mind was shouting back at him.

He hadn’t _lost Viktor_. He’d just lost Viktor’s _heart_.

Viktor still slept in his house, Viktor stayed - even after it all. He was still a coach to Yuuri, but nothing more. Their morning walks were quieter, much quieter. No more running gags or shared smiles. Just silence. Yuuri always walked a little further behind Viktor, he barely made contact with Viktor unless it was necessary to his training.

Yuuri relished in the memories of Viktor’s soft touches and playful flirting. His heart yearned to have Viktor’s fingers entangled with his own again, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back to that life, he couldn’t handle it. But he wanted it, he wanted it so desperately it hurt.

Yuuri pushed his hair back and sighed, covering his eyes in defeat. He couldn’t. But Yuuri knew that Viktor couldn’t care less about what had happened between the pair. Yuuri would bet money that Viktor slept as blissfully as ever without a single care in the world. That’s what hurt Yuuri the most. He felt that he was disposable to Viktor, that he wasn’t at all important because, if he was, Viktor would have fought for Yuuri’s heart. But he didn’t. Viktor let it go with a smile and no other emotions shown.

How wrong Yuuri was.

Viktor survived on no sleep at all during the night, he lived on more cups of coffee than anyone could count and frequently found himself passing out without even being aware of it. His alarm was Makkachin, his poodle would lick his face until he woke up to face the dark world. Without Yuuri, the world had lost its spark - its meaning. Viktor needed to properly sleep somewhere that wasn’t the onsen, a couch or the floor. He needed to fall into a deep sleep in his bed but he couldn’t. He couldn’t for the life of him be able to sleep knowing that Yuuri was only rooms away. He couldn’t sleep knowing that Yuuri once slept on the left side of his bed right next to Viktor. He couldn’t sleep, not with the faint aroma of Yuuri still living on the pillow Viktor refused to touch. Viktor never touched the left side of the bed. Makkachin was refused access to that side and, if Viktor passed out on the bed unknowingly, no part of his body touched the side where the love of his life once lay to rest.

Viktor pushed the hair out of his eyes, looking at the time and realising it would be another sleepless night for him.

“What am I going to do, Makkachin?” Viktor asked the sleeping poodle.

He sighed, “I wish I could fix it all, I wish I could make Yuuri happy,” Viktor choked down tears as he came to the realisation that he couldn’t make Yuuri happy, no matter what.

He scrunched up his eyes, refusing to let any tears fall from his face. Why should he be crying? He knew Yuuri was happy. Yuuri was happy without Viktor. Viktor knew that and it _killed_ him to know that, but it was the truth. He knew Yuuri would be better off if they weren’t romantically involved. But still, Viktor found himself wishing they could be. He wanted to feel that connection between them again. He wanted Yuuri by his side. He wanted the late night conversations, which were basically drabbles with no purpose, but Viktor enjoyed every moment of them. He wanted to see the adorable love of his life sleeping soundly beside him. He wanted to hear Yuuri’s soft snoozes paired with incoherent mumblings as he slept.

Viktor rest his head on the headboard behind him, his palms pressing into his eyes in a desperate plea for the tears to stop. He needed coffee. Tonight there was no chance of him getting a wink sleep. Viktor hastily wiped his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before heaving himself off the bed. He glanced once - twice - at the left side of the bed, he could almost hear his heart beating outside of his chest as it longed for Yuuri. Viktor quickly looked away, throwing on his onsen robe and kicking on his overly fluffy, dog-shaped slippers. He took in a deep breath before opening his door slightly. For some reason unknown to Viktor, he expected to see Yuuri waiting outside his door. But there was nothing, only the empty hall before him. He looked further down the hallway to Yuuri’s room and noticed that his light was still on. Viktor’s heart lurched to be at Yuuri’s door, but he couldn’t. He knew if he saw Yuuri this late (and this broken) he wouldn’t be able to hold his emotions back as he had been doing all this time. Instead, Viktor forced himself to turn the other way and head towards the kitchen. He needed his coffee fix but not as much as he needed Yuuri. He clenched his fist. No. He needed to stop thinking like that. It’s not what Yuuri wanted. It would _never_ be what Yuuri wanted.

Viktor arrived at the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee with shaking hands. He slammed the pot down on the counter in frustration, already spilling enough due to his trembling. He was so overcome with emotions he could barely control himself. He clenched his fist again in desperation for his thoughts to stop. His mind hadn’t been this blurred since he first realised he was in love with Yuuri. He banged his fist on the bench top, choking down a sob. _NO_. He couldn’t think about _him_ or his love for _him_ or anything like that! _He_ didn’t want Viktor’s love and Viktor was okay with that.

But Viktor knew he wasn’t okay with that. He slumped down to the floor, trying to regain control over his emotions again. But he couldn’t. Instead, his mind took itself back to the day when both men broke.

______________________________

  
His 100-watt charismatic smile was plastered on for the cameras but his protective grip on Yuuri was for himself, he needed him close. He looked away from the cameras to glance down to the man next to him. His ‘camera smile’ transformed into a genuine one full of love directed at the man that stood with him. But he noticed something. Yuuri’s face wasn’t as happy as it usually was, there was a sense of sadness - almost uncomfortableness - to it.

Viktor plastered on his charming smile quickly, “if you will all excuse us, we must get going!” Viktor continued to smile as he pushed himself and his partner through the crowd of reporters and cameramen, all while questions were still being shouted at them and cameras shoved in their face.

Viktor continued making his way passively through the crowd, keeping Yuuri close to him - he couldn’t let him go. Once the pair had made their way past the microphones, Viktor brought Yuuri in closer to him.

“Are you alright?” He whispered closely to his love, “do you want to go somewhere away from everyone?”

Yuuri, arms folded and an unreadable face, nodded slowly as he glanced back to the reporters and cameras for a split second. Yuuri wondered how they had made it past the mass of people so quickly. Viktor brought Yuuri in closer, if that was at all possible, and gripped his partner’s arm tighter, almost as if he was afraid of what would happen if he let go. Yuuri could smell and feel the ice around them, he glanced at the slab of ice that was now being cleaned after the recent competition he had just performed in. He remembered how he felt as he finished - like he had realised something. And that realisation was something that he couldn’t handle at all. He glanced inconspicuously up to Viktor, he couldn’t believe what he was about to do. He thought he always knew what he wanted but it turned out he was wrong.

The power couple, led by Viktor, ducked ‘behind the scenes’ of the ice arena. They made their way down the hallways, only a few straggling competitors and their coaches were left hanging around. Yuuri smiled at them, congratulating those who’s performance he saw and complimenting them. But he wasn’t given much time to mingle, Viktor was on a mission to find out what was wrong with Yuuri and nothing would stand in the way of his mission. Viktor’s hand had moved since; it was now resting at Yuuri’s waist to bring them even closer together. Viktor found an empty room and led Yuuri inside before hastily shutting the door behind them to disclose their conversation.

As soon as the door closed shut, Viktor became consumed by worry, “Yuuri, are you alright? You didn’t hurt yourself on the ice, did you? Your ankles, they're fine? Yes?” The words spilt out of the coaches' mouth in a string of worry and urgency.

“No, I’m fine,” Yuuri muttered, looking to the floor as his hand rubbed the back of his neck anxiously.

Viktor caught on to Yuuri’s movements, he kept his distance - not wanting to make the situation any more difficult for Yuuri.

“What’s wrong, Yuuri?” Viktor whispered, his heart rate accelerating as his mind went into overdrive.

Yuuri paused, he didn’t want to rush into this decision. He would need time to think it over so there was no point in bringing it up now.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Yuuri replied, “just tired, I guess,” Yuuri shrugged, hoping he had convinced his coach.

He hadn’t.

“Yuuri, I know you. What’s really the matter?” Viktor asked, slightly stepping forward.

Yuuri, noticing Viktor getting closer, instinctively stepped back greatly. Viktor’s eyes widened at Yuuri’s action, he could feel his heart in his stomach. His hand twitched slightly as imagination began to overpower Viktor’s rationality.

“I-I,” Yuuri stammered, his eyes meeting with the man he loved deeply, his breathing staggered and his words shook; he couldn't lie to those eyes, “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be with you!” He blurted out, his hands instantly covering his mouth in shock that he'd revealed it all to Viktor.

Tears pricked in Yuuri’s eyes, he wasn’t meant to say that. He wasn’t meant to say anything! Guilt and regret began to form a never-ending pit in his stomach as Yuuri came to the realisation that he’d ruined everything between them for eternity.

______________________________

  
Viktor returned back to the present, he rest his head back onto the cupboards behind him and began inhaling deep breaths. Memories from that day continuously replayed over in his mind, he always pondered how he could’ve fixed it all - how he could’ve kept them together. But in the end, it wasn’t his choice. He had to respect Yuuri’s decision.

Viktor’s head shot up at the sound of approaching footsteps, his eyes widened at the realisation of who it might be. The only person he knew who was still potentially awake was Yuuri. Viktor quickly scrambled up off of the ground, not wanting Yuuri to see him verging on a breakdown.

Yuuri rubbed his hands over his face in an attempt to make it seem like he wasn’t crying recently. His heart stopped as he heard a clutter in the kitchen, Yuuri froze on the spot as he heard a string of Russian curse words being muttered from the kitchen. Yuuri found himself wandering over to where the kitchen archway was. He hid behind the wall, allowing himself to peek ever so carefully into the kitchen to see Viktor struggling to pour a simple cup of coffee. Yuuri’s mouth fell open as he noticed Viktor’s bloodshot eyes and dishevelled hair.

He had tried so hard to convince himself that Viktor wasn’t hurting as much as he was that he couldn’t see the obviously broken man before him.

Yuuri choked down a gasp, quickly looking away from Viktor and leaning heavily on the wall that separated them from each other. If only he had known. Yuuri ran a hand through his hair before quickly darting out of his home, he needed to clear his mind - if only for a moment. He sprinted as fast as he possibly could, the cold air nipping at his face. He regretted not thinking to take a jacket with him, but he needed to clear his head as fast as he possibly could. So, he ran. His head was so clouded with thoughts that he had no idea where he running to. He just ran.

Yuuri was never good at running, in fact - he despised it. It was the most strenuous activity he had to endure when training. But here he was, running (practically sprinting) as if his life depended on it. Strain and fatigue began to settle in fast, his body couldn’t handle the lack of sleep and heavy activity. Eventually, Yuuri doubled over in pain. He struggled for breath as he began to massage a stitch that had quickly formed at his side. His unsteady breath formed clouds in front of his eyes, his eyes began to wander around his surroundings he noticed that he had run to the beach. He looked around before slowly making his way over to the rocks that overlooked the sand and sea. He muffled a groan as he sat down on the smooth rocks and watched as the sea rolled in and retreated.

The sea always helped him calm down, it was mainly the sound. The crash and sweeping of the waves could lull Yuuri into a daze easily. It was calm at the beach, so calm that Yuuri slowly forgot about his the pain in his side and his mental struggles. The salty air consumed him, he breathed it in deeply. He forgot about how cold he was, how his legs began to hurt, about Viktor; about everything. He let his imagination take him somewhere where he could calm down even further.

Yuuri closed his eyes, only the waves to keep him company as he dragged himself into his imagination. He imagined outstretched arms. Yuuri found himself wanting to jump into the arms, and he did. He was greeted with a soft surface but the arms were strong and they held Yuuri close tightly. They held him so tight, almost like they were afraid to let go. Yuuri let his imagination travel further and he tilted his head upwards to see who the arms belonged to. He was greeted with a loving smile and eyes that held all the love in the world. Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat, his lips parting slightly as he envisioned Viktor before him.

Yuuri’s eyes shot open, he groaned, covering his face with his hands. No matter how hard he tried he could never seem to get Viktor out of his mind. He knew why. It was because Yuuri had made a mistake. Yuuri could never forgive himself for ending things with Viktor purely because the cameras and fame scared him slightly. The cameras and fame didn’t define their relationship, it’s how they felt about each other that defined it. And Yuuri knew that he was still, without a doubt, completely in love with the biggest Russian idiot in the word. Now that he had seen Viktor in the kitchen it made Yuuri think that maybe Viktor missed Yuuri as much as Yuuri missed him. It made him think that Viktor wanted to be with Yuuri as much as he wanted to be with Viktor. His heart swelled at the thought of Viktor being in his life once again. A tear flew from his cheek as he realised how empty his life and heart was without Viktor.

Yuuri went to stand up, to go back to the house and confess to Viktor about how he had made a mistake. He would tell Viktor how he felt, truly, and explain his previous actions. He would tell Viktor that he was _nothing_ without him. Yuuri stood up, brushing himself free of sand and turned around to have a coat wrapped tightly around his freezing body. Yuuri’s eyes widened as Viktor stood before him with a sad smile on his face.

“Viktor! Wha-What are you doing here?” Yuuri asked, snuggling tighter into the coat.

It smelt like Viktor and Yuuri found himself to be instantly intoxicated by the sultry scent.

“Yuuri, I-“ Viktor tried to find the words but ended up drawing a blank.

It was strange to see someone who _never_ stopped talking suddenly being at a loss for words.

“How did you find me?” Yuuri whispered, so far this had been the longest conversation they had held since they broke up.

“Oh! I might’ve followed you, a little bit…” Viktor chuckled, running a hand through his bangs.

Yuuri’s alarmed face said it all to Viktor.

“No! Not in, like, a creepy way! You didn’t bring a coat with you, I was…” Viktor paused, sighing to himself, “I was worried.”

“Worried? About me?” Yuuri said, shocked and slightly pleased.

 _Maybe_ , Yuuri thought, _maybe his hunch was right all along and Viktor still harboured feelings for him._ Of course, he couldn't get his hopes up.

Viktor nodded, “of course I was! It’s late and cold and I-“ Viktor stopped himself short, running a hand over his face and sniffling slightly, “I-I need to confess something to you, Yuuri.”

"Now? You couldn't have waited until morning or our walk or training or breakfa-"

Yuuri was cut off swiftly by Viktor's lips attaching to his own in desperation. It was a soft kiss, Viktor's hands moved to cup Yuuri's face. One hand rest on his cheek while the other became entangled in his hair. The familiar touch of Viktor was enough to drive Yuuri wild. But the kiss alone held more emotions than Yuuri could list. It was a kiss the pair had been craving since their last.

Viktor broke off the kiss, not wanting Yuuri to feel uncomfortable again. He breathed deeply, his eyes fluttered closed as he smiled to himself. He already craved the taste of Yuuri again.

"Of course it can't wait, I needed you to know that I love you. I really do and I never stopped loving you. I just wanted you to be happy, Yuuri," Viktor smiled softly, their foreheads resting upon one another.

A deep blush formed on Yuuri's face, “you-you do?” Yuuri’s eyes were wide, a smile slowly forming on his face.

“Of course I do!” Viktor admitted, his hands resting on the back of Yuuri’s neck, “but I need to ask you Yuuri… _What do you want me to be to you?”_

Viktor’s voice was soft and sensitive, the seriousness of the question resting on Yuuri through Viktor's tone.

“I,” Yuuri choked out, “I want you to be with me.”

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHH okay I hope you guys enjoyed this little sappy af one shot! If you did be sure to leave a kudos and a comment, it really means a lot! <3


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